By: Kelsie Lynn Sciacca

“May You Become Wise Without Any Destruction!” By: Kelsie Lynn Sciacca

As we grow into growing individuals it becomes hardest to digest all the situational instances, times, as well as overly unacclaimed obstacles. That have made us either forget or for us to revisit on a later date to fully acknowledge all the things that have transpired over the years. Usually when one writes, I write using a third party way to allow myself to explain personal experiences. By taking them and turning them into an audience like setting, this making nothing about me and focusing all on the reader and however it may resonate with them. Giving the reader the opportunity to perceive the tall tell tale the freedom to receive it however it is they wish to. Given whichever story they choose to read during their time or during situations they may be facing at that time. Taking into much consideration that us, as human beings are only human and sometimes we need to not only know but need to also understand that we aren’t alone. But I feel it would hit home a bit more, for you readers to see that you aren’t alone. By hearing my story and the real reasons, I choose to write and why I choose to continue.

About 15 years ago, I found myself being as well as having a normal life; filled with laughing at silly things, taking pictures of absolutely nothing just because, singing until my lungs grew tired, dancing like nobody was watching, coloring and being creative, playing games with no intention of winning in the end just playing for fun, and most importantly just enjoying my fresh but new teenage years. But before I knew it, all those things were going to change and did they change quick. In the summer of 2007, I had just graduated 8th grade, and was soon starting my freshman year in high school. As scary as that already was it was sooner rather than later was about to get even scarier. On June 22nd, I lost someone who I wasn’t the closet with because of decisions that they made their selves but still as a young teen had planned so much to have with them in the future; this particular being had been my biological father. This took me down a seemingly never ending nightmare I longed to wake up from.

During this time not only had I lost him but I had been going through puberty, which is something that every growing teen goes through. Hardly even entirely understanding why, how, or when; I began to change. My emotions heightened and my mind started racing in a million and one directions in one sitting. While also experiencing many if not all feelings all at once, this was crucially difficult especially since I had never experienced a death of loved one let alone a parent. Not just a parent but a person who was never around, not around to show me how to tie my shoes, ride a bike, help me with my homework, and the list goes on. A person who would tell me he would be somewhere and I’d sit on the porch for hours and he’d just not be anywhere to be found. The last thing I said which I will always remember is “I never want to talk to you again” after he had forgotten to come to my graduation. After his passing if I am being totally but completely honest here, I blamed myself as a young growing teen who didn’t know any better. I thought that my anger behind the things I said were the reason for him leaving me. Leaving me to conquer this life without ever getting the chance to get to know him in every if not all aspects, feeling let down beyond words to properly express to anyone who would be willing to listen.

In addition, to this very unfortunate event I had been residing in a very small town where everyone knew everyone as well as their business, well what they thought was the truth behind the business in which they had been hearing. At the time I had been living home with my family, alongside I have two younger siblings who had been practically babies at this time. That couldn’t understand right from wrong because they had been so little as well as innocent to any means of destruction. One being older than the other, myself being the eldest. Over the course of many months into my freshman year, after this tragic incident. It was outburst after outburst rather it was at school between classmates, with friends, as well as at home with family. Decisions had to be made, and they needed to be made in a timely fashioned way; one of the hardest decisions that were made. Was to send me to a Psychiatric setting so I could solely be evaluated for my misconceptions on exactly how I had been feeling at that time. One stay turned into one week, and sooner before later as the outbursts progressed it was longer and longer each and every time after that.

Before I knew it I had missed out on so many learning experiences, rather it was joining a club to engage in different aspects of learning, playing sports to fully show advancement in my extracurricular activities, birthday parties between friends and family, socializing with individuals with the same likes I may have had, or just experiencing the beauties of being a young teen. Long after many visits to the Psychiatric settings within hospitals, medication was sooner than introduced into my youthful years. With also trying my very best to live with being diagnosed as Mentally ill. The reasons behind the introduction to medication was to hopefully be able to stop my mind from racing and/or slow down my reactions to normal situated instances that may or may not represent themselves. Saddened to say that for me, that yes it did help but eventually I was so numb from the over the top amount of different medications I had been prescribed. That as I grew older I began chasing that very same high to numb myself out, by not completely understanding how to handle myself and my actions but also not acknowledging them by not taking any accountability for it either.

Once high school ended and I had graduated by the skin of my teeth, college was right around the corner. I didn’t get into many good colleges because I never took school serious enough to be able to because getting high was always more important. So I settled by going to a local community college that had been close to home, at this time I had, had a car it was a silver Ford Taurus with a green bumper. Every morning I’d drive at least fifteen minutes to a couple towns over to get to school, I had been going to school to become a Chef and own my own restaurant. The classes I took were Restaurant/Hotel Management with a minor in Culinary Arts; I was never very proficient in test taking even before that incident transpired. Well long and behold I had to take an placement entry exam to get into certain classes that were in a addition to my major. I wide up going higher than a kite to the exam by taking way too many of my prescriptions and I totally failed entirely this placing me in numerous amounts of unneeded classes to take on top of the classes I had initially intended on taking. Long after that came the ServeSafe test, which is a test you must take in order to handle food properly by scoring an 80 or higher. I was so excited to take this test because I had been up late studying for weeks on end to prepare myself for it. The test came and it went, all who took this class were told that our test results would be posted up on the bulletin board outside the classroom at the end of the day. By this time I was super nervous but also had high hopes after my last class had finished I quickly walked over to the opposite side of the school just to find that I had failed by 2 points this leaving me at a 78. My eyes began to fill out with water and I sat in my car for hours and cried. Not long after that I decided to do my morning routine as usual but instead of going to class, I’d go hang out with other friends who weren’t in school so that my mom wouldn’t be upset with me. Soon after I dropped out completely, which I really shouldn’t have because I had been going to school for almost a year and a half acquiring 35 credits, and needed 40 to graduate. This leaving me with no degree, no confidence in fulfilling my dream, and no hope in accomplishing it either.

Besides not finishing college and learning to live with Mental Illness, it has been more than an adventure. Without me intentionally allowing myself to fully overcome things properly things are about to get a lot worse before there is light at the end of this very dark tunnel. After many times of having unnecessary outburst, I began to not care about my appearance, how I treated individuals who just wanted to help, I lied about things instead of being honest because I was unable to look in the mirror and realize that the only person to blame was myself, and finally I stole, I stole from individuals who gave me places to stay, helped me when I couldn’t help myself. All because I felt that the world owed me something, and because I felt that although I had gotten the shortest end of the stick. Why not hurt them because deep, deep down I am hurting myself. As far as the relationship aspect of life, you know that lovey, dovey I’d do anything for you kind of love. I’ve never experienced that, I know what it is but personally I have never experienced it. When your an adult you have two choices you can either learn to love yourself and be loved by others who see you for who you are, or you can hate yourself and be someone you aren’t. But the same way you look and/or respect yourself. Will be the exact same way someone else may choose to treat you, its always been me getting overly to attached and finding myself doing it all. By also not having enough of respect for myself inside as well as outside, as I am writing this its extremely hard for me to allow myself to speak my truths. But if I don’t start acknowledging all aspects to myself and the things I struggle with, I don’t feel like I will ever fully recover nor do I feel that things may never change unless I acknowledge it. Which would mean I am selling myself short because I deserve so much more than I allow.

Finally, if you were to ask me who I am my answer to you would be I am a person of purpose, I have traveled many, many moons to overcome many struggling triumphs to be the individual I am. I do not and I will not ever tell those tall tales that may travel through telephone, throughout the ears of another my whole entire story because some of those Psychiatric settings as well as other obstacles still haunt me in my dreams. Still as a growing individual with mental illness its extremely hard for me to find help for myself. May that be with seeking out help from a licensed professional who are under educated about just exactly they have studied to become because dollar signs mean more to them than helping individuals who struggle to even get up out of bed. That instead of helping them learn how to understand in a positive way with learning tools to help them. They instead take your file and immediate suggest you to take medication, that sooner before later numbs your cognitive motives with also becoming reliant on it. Without full acknowledging what it may do to anyone in the future, be that as it may when you are Mentally Ill you have rights. So when you are put into those situations as well as settings; the best advice I can give you is to know them, because they will help you in the long run. When doctors, nurses, therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. Get bent out of shape that you aren’t taking their advice!

With that being said, I write and I continue to write because this is the only positive outlook I have to fully be able to speak my truths. While also telling my stories from experiences I have experienced, individuals I have come into contact with, lessons I have learned, or feelings I may have had. To close this story that I have never told I’d like to end with I am strong, stronger than I ever give myself credit for, and yes I have made mistakes but that will never define who I am. When I look in the mirror I see beauty, I see happiness, I see someone who isn’t going to give up, and crumble because some days feel harder than the rest and most indefinably I see someone who’s drive is unmatchable. I am my greatest enemy as well as my biggest fan, I am a mom, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a friend, and most importantly despite my struggles with being Mentally Ill. I am human and human I shall stay.